On Bullies, Cyber-bulling and Relational Aggression

Not too long ago I made a post that was rhetorically in defense of a minor exploited by the sex industry who got irrationally bullied in response to their marriage. I don't think that compels a person to be featured in Vogue on the basis of no political, professional, or personal rhetoric. I would not ever rescind my post in defense of what I identified as cyber-bullying within a moment's notice. It only takes a life-long victim of bullying to formulate a rhetorical argument in favor of ___. 

It only came to my attention that I have to do note-taking on the prescience of verbal aggression. I have long believed that my personal livelihood is not in question, based upon my behavior or discourse upon the Internet. However, after experiencing a life-long situation of bullying, having my family members selectively forgetting said instances, and being threatened for making arguments in favor of strangers; I should talk about it.

For many years of my life, I experienced the sole discrimination of being a child who happened to have the misfortune of their biological mother dying at age 7. My grandmother (this woman's biological parent) can no longer recall what age I was at the passing of her own daughter. Much of my life has been predisposed against my own personality or subjugating me for failing to have two parents in a small community in Michigan that was only fostered in populace by the locale of the state prison. As a person who got verbally antagonized by my history teacher (a woman with the worst hair I have ever seen named Mz. Terrier), I learned to internalize that if you did not comply with rules; you would foresee state prison as your future. Not only was this illogical or a classic case of administrative abuse, but my own histological process as a minor without a parent had normalized my behavior to this situation.

On the day my mother died, no one informed me to neglect attending school the next morning. The next morning was picture day, in which, I had to "Smile" for an underpaid photographer. I thought that going to school the next morning was my most dutiful procession in life. I was surrounded by my entire class who began to interrogate me as to whether I could attest that it was the lack of identity of my mother (or heteronormativity that) could be confirmed by my presence and existence in life; and, subsequent, disabandonment in the lack of care my biological father chose to exhibit in relation to his personal loss. Would comprehension of a neglected, unfair, and poorly treated or questioned disease be the responsibility of those less fiscally or fiduciary obligated to exist on the basis of heredity? 

I can merely say that since being unreasonably confronted as an "other," my social and familial life did not progress holistically. Most of my life was spent skirting the disabuse of my parent who, for his part (I can attest to this), received no psychological or relational support in regards to the loss of his spouse. I witnessed my father be victimized by the descendants of people he had grown up with on the sole basis of happening to have a deceased spouse. I would suggest that not only was my mother deemed "inoperable" under false pretenses, but every temporal event that existed in direct relation to said life event, served to predispose me to experiencing violence, whether familial or by my classmates, or my future dates.

Suffice to say, I could never receive enough legal compensation to alleviate my utter lack of self-worth from (here's the crazy part) being bullied in a parochial school. It appears that the type of brainwashing that occurred previous to my future entailed of people replicating gestures of faiths that could later be proven as bigoted and prejudiced. However, the victims of religious totalitarianism refuse to redress reality as much as those accused of being unnecessarily physically or socially aggressive during University. 

I think that, though justified and later played out into being the person most oppressed by classicism; yet, constantly having to make an argument to redress said issue, at the expense of being constantly seen as less worthy of sociability (& I am sociable).... Well, what benefit would it serve to people who would comprehend how much they benefited from an unequal system of marketplace communism that served the purpose of propagating the surviving domestic partnerships of the community? What purpose would it make for me to formulate logically sound arguments in relation to instances in life that most mature adults are unwilling to accept or see as consequences on the basis of their mere participating in what is viewed as dialectical materialism. It would not benefit a child in my previous position.

As a socially isolated child -- according to no other basis than having a mother deceased according to a terminal illness -- it did not stop a "religious right" from projecting an insanity about the ideal state of a nuclear family. To be honest, my family would have been more intact than other families that succumbed to say, the use of what was considered "white trash, drug addiction," or any other social ail that befell familial units. I'll only tell what happened to me. 

I witnessed constantly receiving no support, being bullied by teachers, and experiencing abuse at my peers for the sake of being, "Different." By the time I would have been incapable to formulate a culturally appropriate or inappropriate attitude to human sexuality (a human is not sexually mature at 7, 8, or 9); I was being assaulted on a daily level about my sexual orientation. When I was 7, I invited trading Uni-Ball pens with the blond boy I had a crush upon during elementary school. I, even, demonstrated an interest in basketball. Yet, I could not proceed without harassment to dressing in a women's locker. Ironically, a couple of my grade school bullies who taunted me for undemonstrated lesbianism (no biggie if you are, unless you're 7 & getting bullied by being called "GAY"), became out lesbians in college, on Facebox. I could only think, FUCK YOU. Coming out doesn't predispose you against mocking people who became #12 in income in your hometown, exhibiting homophobic behavior & then, readopting this as a bourgeoisie behavior.   

Not too long ago, I had to accept being utterly friendless in China and groping with racism. For many years of my life, in a conservative town, I had no friends and argued against racism, prejudice, etc., on the sole basis of it seeming unsound and, truly, morally reprehensible. When I went to China, I was able to cope with this on the basis of people irrationally hating me and forcing me to live in isolation was due to no personal fault of myself. For many years in grade school, I felt I could not "look" at female friends, even to return social gestures of eye-contact that were socially normal without it being perceived as, "homosexual." Later in life, I would rhetorically argue in favor of invisible gay people who had actually tormented me in life. I would have to listen to queer friends constantly talk about discrimination while thinking, 'I cannot express my personal history in this regard.'

What was the worse thing that happened to me? A casual person reading the Internet would be insensitive enough to wonder this question. Perhaps, others would read this as a journalistic story in which I failed to follow a paragraph arch. In middle- and high-school (and, when I was in college during high-school for the pursuit of literature [because that did not make me feel insane]); people constantly divorced me from my ability to write, focused on my aesthetics, my creative magic to dislocate myself from previous life experiences. By the time I went to high-school, I was unable to state a complete sentence without blushing or stuttering. 

Here's where this information becomes useful. To be honest, my recitation of my memory is likely to be denied. I have people who digress into 7 year-old versions of themselves, call me "weird" for no reason, and purport to have a socially acceptable presence in life. I have college friends who have moved to other cities who decide to suggest and bully me on the Internet about my life choices, which is really their regurgitated position on their own lives... somehow, projected upon me as if I were capable of handling it. 

The purpose of the essay thus far was to document my own existence, sanity, and presence in life. To this day, I am witnessing people adopting herd mentalities to suppress history, showcase their long-standing 'superiority', or reflect an ideation that has never been present in reality. When I was 13, I had a PC in my bedroom. Don't worry: I didn't develop an addiction to pornography as a politically or socially oppressed being. I read teenopendiary.com & I was the most popular contributor. Solely, because I chose the name, "Sex."

What happened to me? Well, at 25, I had to "recount" my instances of bullying to a member of my nuclear family who "forgot" to "comprehend" me complaining of abuse, disavowal, etc. at the duration of time in which it progressed. What happened to me? I was told of my sexual orientation, which was not true to me. I got bullied like a Matthew Shepard on the basis of not even being attracted to a same-sex. For every person who in college decided to hate me for experiencing discrimination, I thought it profoundly unfair that I was criticized for having similar hate crime experiences.

I think I could account instances of abuse, but the likelihood is not that someone would be compelled to click an advert. It would mean someone was j.o.ing to a Boolean phrase that returned something like "sexual abuse" and "child" & how would that benefit any present victim of said situation? Humbly, I was sabotaged in my ability to succeed in mathematics or traditionally "male" subject areas, according to female teachers. When I was in 4th grade, I loved math. I didn't get "promoted" to a higher math class, asked a teacher why only boys were allowed to move forward, and told what I would consider a departmentally biased result. 

After I failed to progress to advanced mathematics in 4th grade, on no reasonable basis, I proceeded to defeat every other child in the classroom in around-the-world, a game that required students to demonstrate their ability in reciting key mathematical concepts or fractions or tables at a quick speed. I remember defeating the entire class three times, including the boys (who had been my friends, who got to proceed to 'advanced mathematics' + Calc. in h/s), every week in math class. It was merely a situation of people kowtowing to gender roles. Could not have explained that to my sole parental figure who enjoyed spending my mother's SSI (or, not, in the case of my Roman Catholic miseducation), on leisure pursuits. I remember not feeling inherently incapable of understanding math until I was socially conditioned into believing this was beyond my ability on the basis of chromosomal alignment. I suspect it was indebted teachers sustaining gender roles at the expense of their female students. Ooh, paycheck. Smooth!

Anyway, the only person I would want to read this about bullying (because it would never make a lifetime of psychotic people disperse), would be an adolescent or young adult in the same situation. Particularly, if you think you are not incapable of doing math and find only boys achieving success in small communities, it's not your fault. Um, "why boys are better at math," let your search results direct here. That would be a lie. If you have a dead parent -- your father throws a math workbook at you, screams at you and whatnot -- it's not your fault. It's structural bias and the limits of so-called progressive Western society. 

I can only hope that some person would feel that it's not up to their classmates to determine how masculine (or feminine, or xie) they are or are not in their elementary, social world. The same context applies to all aspects of reality. No one ever told me that I wasn't "gay" after my mother passed away; and, I showed up to classed with no ribbons, and looked roughed up to the extent that a normal teacher would have contacted DHS instead of accepting peers bullying one another, or perpetuating stereotypes within their school district. 

My life situation was that I was openly mocked by teachers and peers for speaking. I became so shy that I was unable to think. I developed slight ticks before my time in middle school due to unreasonable discrimination on behalf of the children of my fathers' childhood peers and friends. I was subjected to the burden of a parent not sucking and over-compensating for the welfare of their children. Additionally, there is nothing "wrong" about someone's sexual orientation. 

Don't make me talk about middle school. Just let me say I internalized sexism, was told about my sexuality, and attributed to having a body odor (without any cause other than not having a living mother). I don't want pity, or to see a trauma therapist. I know what I feel is not illogical & all the best to you if you have to experience similar life conditions. It's not you.